RSS

Jokes and Riddles

21 Feb

Q: Who says sticks and stones may
break my bones, but words will
never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit
with a dictionary.
Submitted by: Stu
Q: How do you make a fire with two
sticks?
A: Make sure one is a match!
Submitted by: Macauley
Q. Why did the banana go to the
hospital?
A: Because he wasn’t peeling well!
Submitted by: Kay
Q: What’s the slipperiest country?
A: Greece!
Q: Why can’t you say a joke while
standing on ice?
A: Because it might crack up!
Submitted by: Max
Q: Why did the orange stop in the
middle of the hill?
A: It ran out of juice!
Q: What do postal workers do when
they’re mad?
A: They stamp their feet.
Q: Why are the floors of basketball
courts always so damp?
A: The players dribble a lot.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E
and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: What is at the end of everything?
A: The letter G.
Q: What nails do carpenters hate to
hit?
A: Fingernails.
Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through the engineers.
Q: Why is tennis such a loud game?
A: Because each player raises a
racquet.
Q: Who earns a living by driving his
customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: What two things can you not
have for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner.
Q: What did one eye say to the
other?
A: Between you and me, something
smells.
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off
the basketball team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What did Cinderella say to the
photographer?
A: Some day my prints will come.
Q: What do you call a boomerang
that won’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: It held up a pair of pants.
Q: How do hair stylists speed up
their job?
A: They take short cuts!
Q: What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
A: Punch.
Q: What did the light bulb say to its
mother?
A: I wuv you watts and watts.
Q: How can you tell that a train just
went by?
A: It left its tracks.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two
pairs of pants?
A: Just in case he got a hole in one!
Q: What did the judge say to the
dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth,
the whole tooth and nothing but the
tooth?
Q: What did the painter say to the
wall?
A: I got you covered.
Q: What’s the tallest building in the
world?
A: The library, because it has the
most stories.
Q: Have you heard the joke about
the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might
spread.
Q: What did the class clown take a
computer to school?
A: Her mom told her to bring in an
apple for the teacher.
Q: Where are cars most likely to get
flat tires?
A: At forks in the road.
Q: How do they serve smart
hamburgers?
A: On honor rolls.
Q: What is the world’s longest
punctuation mark?
A: The hundred yard dash.
Q: Why did the calendar write its
will?
A: Its days were numbered.
Q: In what school do you learn how
to greet people?
A: Hi school.
Q: What school do you have to drop
out of to graduate from?
A: Parachute school!
Q: Where does Friday come before
Monday?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: What is black when clean, and
white when dirty?
A: A blackboard.
Q: What kind of phones do people in
jail use?
A: Cell phones
Submitted by: anna
Q: What kind of driver has no arms
or legs?
A: A screwdriver.
Q: What do you call a king who is
only 12 inches tall?
A: A ruler.
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Someone stepped on its mouse.
Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold
water?
A: Hot, because you can catch cold.
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.
Q: Why did the boy take a ladder to
school?
A: He wanted to go to high school!
Q: What did the one penny say to
the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: What can you put in a barrel to
make it lighter?
A: Holes.
Q: What did one hair say to the
other?
A: It takes two to tangle!
Q: Why would Snow White make a
great judge?
A: She was the fairest in the land.
Q: Where do you learn to make
banana splits?
A: In sundae school.
Q: What kind of underwear to
reporters wear?
A: News briefs.
Q: What did one wall say to the
other?
A: I’ll meet you at the corner.
Q: Why did the strawberry call 911?
A: It was in a jam!
Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas.
Q: Why didn’t the girl take the bus
home?
A: Because her mom would make
her take it back.
Submitted by: Kamran
Q: Why was the baseball game so
hot?
A: Because all the fans left!
Submitted by: Angel
Q: What do you call a story about a
broken pencil?
A: Pointless
Q: How do you fix a broken
vegetable?
A: With tomato paste.
Q: What do you give a lemon in
distress?
A: Lemonade.
Q: What is the difference between a
locomotive engineer and a teacher?
A: One minds the train, one trains
the mind.
Q: What did the ceiling say to the
chandelier?
A: You’re the only bright spot in my
life.
Q: What’s a tree’s favorite drink?
A: Rootbeer.
Submitted by: Tiffany
Q: What do you call a scared train?
A: A fright train!
Submitted by: Laurie & Claire
Q: Why did the thief take a shower?
A: He wanted to make a clean
getaway!
Submitted by: James
Q: What does one bucket say to the
other?
A: I am feeling pale today.
Submitted by: P
There was a man in prison he tried
to find a way out, but he couldn’t.
Finally, he found a way out through
the cellar. So, he went through the
cellar and ended up in a park. He
shouted “I’m free! I’m free!” and a
little girl said, “neat I’m 4.”
Submitted by: Melanie
Q: What do you call a fairy who
doesn’t take a bath?
A: Stinker Bell.
Submitted by: Lori
Q: If the red house is on the
left,the blue house is on the
right,where is the White House?
A: In Washington, D.C.
Submitted by: Brandon
Q: What do you call two banana
peels?
A: Slippers.
Submitted by: BJ
Q: Once there was a family called
the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger,
Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was
bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?
A: His son, because he’s a little
Bigger!
Submitted by: Mariel
Q: What is worse then having one
baby screaming?
A: Two babies screaming!
Submitted by: Macauly
Q: Why did the boy take a ruler to
bed?
A: To see how long he slept.
Q: Why did the melon jump into the
lake?
A: It wanted to be a watermelon.
Submitted by: elizabeth
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Submitted by: Nancy
Q: Why was the boy sitting on his
watch?
A: Because he wanted to be on
time.
Submitted by: Lidya
Q: What did the little boy’s mom
say when he asked her to buy him
shoes for gym?
A: “Tell Jim to buy his own shoes”.
Submitted by: Lori
Q: What has three letters and and
starts with gas?
A: A car
Submitted by: puppy love
Q: Why can’t a bicycle stand up?
A: Because it’s two tired!
Q: Can you say Richard and Robert
had a rabbit without using the “r”
sound?
A: Sure, Dick and Bob had a bunny!
Submitted by: Colleen
Q: What 7 letters did Lizzy say when
she opened the refrigerator and
found it empty?
A: O I C U R M T
Submitted by: Koo-Koo head
Q: What goes under your feet and
over your head?
A: A jump rope.
Submitted by: Brandon
Q: Why did the scientist take out
his doorbell?
A: He wanted to win the no-bell
prize!
Submitted by: Kayli
Q: What did the belly button say
just before it left?
A: I’m outtie here!
Submitted by: Kim
Tom: I bet I can make you say
purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the
American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say
red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you
say purple!
Submitted by: pooh bear
Q:Why did the opera singer go
sailing?
A: Because she wanted to hit the
high C’s.
Submitted by: butterfly
Q: What`s black & white & red all
over?
A: An embarrased mime!
Submitted by: Buttercup
Q: What kind of potato chips fly?
A: Plane ones.
Submitted by: Nina
Q: What did one tooth say to the
other tooth?
A: The dentist is taking me out
tonight.
Submitted by: Melbahee
A man was driving in his car got a
call from his wife on his cell phone.
She was really frantic and yelled,
“Honey, I just heard on the news
that there is a car going the wrong
way on the highway! Be careful!”
He replied, “Honey, there isn’t just
one, there are hundreds of them!”
Submitted by: Kristin
Q: How did the butcher introduce
his wife?
A: Meet Patty.
Submitted by: Lizzy Lou
Q: What did the laywer name his
daughter?
A: Sue.
Submitted by: Lizzy Lou
Q: What has a head but no body?
A: A nail.
Submitted by: Emily
Q: What did one egg say to the
other egg?
A: You crack me up!
Submitted by: Nicky
Q: What do a baker and a millionaire
have in common?
A: They are both rolling in the
dough!
Submitted by: Samantha
A man was looking for a person to
paint her porch, so he hired a young
lady and told her what to do. After
about 30 minutes, the lady came to
the door and said “I’m done.” The
man asked “how did you get done
so fast?” The lady said “it was hard
at first, but it got easier towards the
end. And by the way, it’s a Ferrarri
not a Porsche.”
Submitted by: Jaylene
Q: Why did the man take a pencil to
bed?
A: Because he wanted to draw the
curtains!
Submitted by: Shang
Q: Why did the gardener plant his
money?
A: He wanted his soil to be rich!
Submitted by: emily
Q: What did the teddy bear say
when it was offered dessert?
A: No thank you, I’m stuffed.
Q: What did the calculator say to
the math student?
A: You can count on me!
Q: Why did the banana split?
A: It saw the ginger snap.
Q: Why was the woman fired from
the car assembly line?
A: She was caught taking a brake.
Q: Why are kindergarten teachers so
good?
A: They can make little things count.
Q: When are kids most likely to go
to school?
A: When the door is open.
Q: What letter can you drink?
A: T (tea)
Submitted by: Kayla
Q: Why did the sea monster eat five
ships that were carrying potatoes?
A: No one can eat just one potato
ship.
Submitted by: David
Q: What happened when the
monster ate the electric company?
A: He was in shock for a week.
Submitted by: David
Q: What do sea monsters eat for
lunch?
A: Fish and ships.
Submitted by: David
Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a garage.
Q: Why did the tree go to the
dentist?
A: It needed a root canal.
Q: What is always hot in the
refrigerator?
A: Chili
Submitted by: Yue
Q: What’s the name of the
archeologist that works at Scotland
Yard?
A: Sherlock Bones.
Q: What did one flower say to the
other flower?
A: Hey, bud!
Q: Why was the vacationing doctor
so mad?
A: He had no patients.
Q: How do you cut a wave in half?
A: Use a sea saw.
Q: What did Delaware?
A: A New Jersey.
Q: Why was the baseball player
arrested in the middle of the game?
A: He was caught stealing second
base.
Q: How did Ben Franklin feel after
discovering electricity?
A: Shocked.
Q: What do basketball players and
babies have in common?
A: They both dribble.
Q: Why did the football coach go to
the bank?
A: To get his quarterback.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the
Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What kind of dress can’t be
worn?
A: Address.
Submitted by: Jocelyn
Q: Why did the girl throw the butter
out the window?
A: She wanted to see a butterfly.
Submitted by: Sara the Comedian
Q: What has legs but doesn’t walk?
A: A bed.
Submitted by: Jessica
Q: What’s green and flies as fast as a
speeding bullet?
A: Super Pickle!
Submitted by: Gherkin
Q: What kind of balls do dragons
play soccer with?
A: Fireballs.
Submitted by: David
Q: What washes up on small
beaches?
A: Microwaves.
Submitted by: Desta
Q: Where do all the letters sleep?
A: In the alphabed.
Submitted by: Xandi
Q: How do you open the great
lakes?
A: With the Florida Keys.
Submitted by: Backstreetgirl
Q: What has a bed that you can’t
sleep in?
A: A river.
Submitted by: Kevin
Q: What did the picture say to the
wall?
A: I’ve been framed.
Q: Who can hold up a bus with one
hand?
A: A crossing guard.
Submitted by: Ms. Rice’s class
Q: What’s in the middle of nowhere?
A: The letter H.
Submitted by: Reily
Neighbor 1: “Why are you putting
those jackets on your house?”
Neighbor 2: “Well, it says on the
paint can to put three coats on.”
Submitted by: Melbahee
Q: Which candles burn longer, bee’s
wax or tallow?
A: Neither, they all burn shorter.
Submitted by: FBC
Q: Why did the baseball player bring
a rope to the game?
A: Because he wanted to tie the
score!
Submitted by: J, B & D
Q: What kind of lights did Noah have
on the ark?
A: Flood lights!
Submitted by: Harmonicasue
Q: What can you hold without using
your hands?
A: Your breath!
Q: Some lettuce, an egg, and a
faucet had a race. What was the
result?
A: The lettuce came in ahead, the
egg got beat and the faucet is still
running.
Submitted by: Jordan
Q: What is the best time to go to
the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty.
Submitted by: Cortney
Q: Do you know what the Queen’s
father was called?
A: King.
Submitted by: Casey
Q: What is only a small box but can
weigh over a hundred pounds?
A: A scale.
Submitted by: Julie
Q: Where do computers go to
dance?
A: The disk-o!
Submitted by: Tyler
Q: Why did the tree get a
computer?
A: To log on.
Submitted by: Tyler
Q: What has holes all over and holds
water?
A: A sponge!
Submitted by: Karmen
Q: What kind of flower has lips?
A: Two-lips!
Submitted by: Smarty
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it’s ajar!
Submitted by: Melissa
Two sausages were sizzling in a pan,
one sausage turns to the other and
says, “it’s hot in here!”
The other sausage replies, “Hey a
talking sausage!”
Submitted by: Lindsay
Q: Two girls were born on the same
day, same year, same parents,
except they are not twins. Explain:
A: They are triplets.
Submitted by: David
Q: Why did the cookie go to the
Doctor?
A: Because he was feeling crumby.
Submitted by: Jennie
Q: What do lawyers wear in court?
A: Lawsuits.
Q: Where do soldiers keep their
armies?
A: In their Sleevies!
Submitted by: Antonio
Q: Who makes the best cake on a
baseball team?
A: The batter.
Q: Why don’t honest people need
beds?
A: They don’t lie.
Q: What did the boat say to the
pier?
A: What’s up, dock?
Q: Why did the drum take a nap?
A: It was beat.
Q: Why did the cucumber call 911?
A: It was in a pickle!
Q: What runs around a yard without
moving?
A: A fence.
Q: Does it take longer to run from
1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?
A: From 2nd to 3rd because there’s
a shortstop in the middle.
Q: There were five people under
one umbrella. Why didn’t they get
wet?
A: It wasn’t raining!
Q: What do envelopes say when you
lick them?
A: Nothing, it shuts them up!
Q: What does the winner of the race
lose?
A: His breath.
Q: What did the pencil say to the
paper?
A: I dot my i’s on you!
Q: What kind of table has no legs.
A: A multiplication table.
Q: What kind of band can’t play
music?
A: A rubber band.
Q: What’s 182 feet tall and made
out of pepperoni and cheese?
A: The leaning tower of Pizza.
Q: Who’s richer — the butcher, the
baker, or the candlestick maker?
A: The baker, because he has lots of
dough.
Q: What is the difference between a
fly and superman?
A: Superman can fly, but a fly
cannot superman!
Submitted by: Jack in the box
Q: What room can you not go into?
A: A mushroom!
Submitted by: TumTum
Q: What did the candle say to the
other candle?
A: I’m going out tonight!
Submitted by: Tsz To
Q: Why did the student eat her
homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a
piece of cake!
Submitted by: Candace
Q: What does the toast wear to
bed?
A: Jammies!
Submitted by: Katrina
Q: How are doughnuts and golf
alike?
A: They both have a hole in one!
Submitted by: JMSA
Q: Why are babies good at soccer?
A: Because they dribble!
Q: What did the picture say to the
wall?
A: I’ve got you covered!
Submitted by: Maham
Two atoms are playing together
when one tells the other “I lost an
electron.” The second atom asks,
“Are you sure?” The first atom
replies “I’m positive!”
Submitted by: miles
Q: Why did the oreo go to the
dentist?
A: To get his filling!
Submitted by: Caesar
Q: What is a baby’s motto?
A: If at first you don’t succeed, cry
and cry again!
Submitted by: Nicole
Q: How does a train sneeze?
A: Ah-choo-choo!
Submitted by: Tay
Q: Why did a boy thow a clock out
the window?
A: To see time fly.
Submitted by: Darren
Q: What are pirate’s favoite treat?
A: Chips AHOY!!
Submitted by: Jayce
Q: Why did the surfer think the sea
was his friend?
A: Because it gave him a big wave!
Submitted by: Taslim
Q: What did the number 0 say to
number 8?
A: Nice belt!
Submitted by: Alice
Q: What has four legs but never
stands?
A: A Chair!
Q: Three people were in a boat.
They all fell off. Only two people
ended up with wet hair. Why didn’t
the other person’s hair get wet?
A: Because he was bald!
Submitted by: Bailey Camp
Q: What did the baby corn ask the
mother corn?
A: Where is pop corn?
Submitted by: Misbah/Maryam
Q: Where do cars go for a swim?
A: At the carpool!
Submitted by: Lizette
Q: Where do you go to find a million
story building?
A: You go to the Library!
Submitted by: Olivia
Q. Can you use pink,yellow and
green in a sentence?
A. The phone went green green,
and I pinked it up and said yellow.
Submitted by: Erin
After each sentence below, say “my
friend did too.”
I went to the circus.
I ate some popcorn.
I went on some rides.
I ate some cotton candy.
I got some balloons.
I got some more to eat.
The balloons popped…
MY FRIEND DID TOO!
Submitted by: CHEMSPECPC
Q: Why did the boy put candy under
his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet
dreams.
Q: Why did the spy stay in bed?
A: Because he was under cover.
Submitted by: lauren
Q:What did the clock do after it ate?
A:It went back four seconds!
Submitted by: The Banana Splits
Q: What is the opposite of a
restaurant?
A: A workaraunt.
Submitted by: Aaron
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad
dressing!
Submitted by: Vanessa
A rope walked into a restaurant and
ordered a milkshake. The waiter said
“Are you a rope?” The rope said
“Yes.” The waiter said “We don’t
serve ropes.” So, the rope went out
and burnt off his ends and tied
himself into a knot. The rope went
back into the restaurant and ordered
a milkshake. The waiter asked “Are
you a rope?”. The rope said “No, I’m
a frayed knot.”
Submitted by: MJW&KEP
Q: How do you make a rock float?
A: Put it in a glass with some ice
cream and root beer.
Q: What’s a royal pardon?
A: It’s what the queen says after
she burps.
Q: What did the picture say to the
wall?
A: I’ve been framed!
Submitted by: Aleshia
Q: What did the peanut say to the
walnut?
A: Nothing. Nuts can’t talk.
Q: What do you call a young army?
A: Infantry.
Q: How do Vikings send secret
messages?
A: Norse code.
Q: Why did the carpenter fall asleep
on the job?
A: He was board.
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9.
Submitted by: Rich & Cheryl
Q: What goes up and down but
never moves?
A: Stairs.
Submitted by: Lorraine
Q: What do you call the king of
vegetables?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Submitted by: Sharon
Q: What’s black and white and red
all over?
A: A newspaper!
Submitted by: Girltov
Q: What’s the best parting gift?
A: A comb.
Q: When do you go on red and stop
on green?
A: When you are eating a
watermelon.
Submitted by: sarah
Q: Why should you never tell a
secret in a corn field?
A: Because there are too many
ears.
Q: Why did the news reporter go to
the ice cream parlor?
A: Because she wanted to get a
good scoop.
Submitted by: Jackelynn
Q: Why did the TV cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to be a flat
screen.
Submitted by: Josh
Q: What would you call a humorous
knee?
A: Fun-ny!
Submitted by: Dipti & Divya
Q: What goes on and on and has an i
in the middle?
A: An onion
Submitted by: Kelsey
A race is about to start. The coach
says “1!2!3! GO!” and blows the
whistle. Everybody except Fred
runs.
Coach: Fred! Why aren’t you
running?
Fred: Because my number is 4.
Submitted by: Greenday97
Q: What kind of jam can you not
eat?
A: A traffic jam.
Submitted by: Prerna & swati
Q: Why couldn’t the pirates play
cards?
A: They were sitting on the deck!
Submitted by: dawg25
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
Submitted by: Alex
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite
game?
A: Twister!
Q: What kind of shoes do bannanas
make?
A: Slippers!
Submitted by: Evan
Q: Why is b always cool?
A: Because it’s between ac.
Submitted by: maddy
Q: Why did the basketball player
bring his suitcase to his game?
A: Because he traveled a lot.
Submitted by: Emma
Q: Were does a boat go when it is
sick?
A: To the dock.
Submitted by: 25niki25
Q: What day of the week tastes the
best?
A: Sunday!
Submitted by: kj
Teacher: Billy, where on the map is
The United States?
Billy: Over there.
Teacher: Right. Now Susan, who
discovered The United States?
Susan: Billy!
Submitted by: someone
There’s a green and purple grape.
The green grape says to the purple
grape, “Breathe, breathe!”
Submitted by: Celeste

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: